I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Beware of fowl play.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.