I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can鈥檛 read.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don鈥檛 need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
just had a salad but it didn鈥檛 make me laugh like women in stock photos
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Gorilla vs. cold water 馃槀
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem鈥檚 Wife: I have a headache
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Feel. He鈥檚 so soft.