I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Every time.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins