VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?