If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
He just like my cat fr
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
the composer
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.