When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.