Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.