My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
*puts cutlery down*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.