Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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Choose your fighter!
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
#gardening
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no