Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination