Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I hope it’s French Onion!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Perfect.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Batman v Dracula
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden