If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.