God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
You Might Also Like
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Real House Wines.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
an octopus is just a wet spider
this is uni
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”