The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
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wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[eulogy]
line?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.