Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
That’s incredible! 👌
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself