It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola