My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
oh my gosh!!
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]