Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
This pepper has seen some shit
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I need to update my racial profile.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.