I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
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idk what this dog had been going through but same
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
s
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i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
<—- homeless romantic