Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I’m Sold!
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.