If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
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Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!