Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right