My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!