Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?