I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Not😆🤣
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.