BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
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[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
😂😂😂
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Every damn time
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy