I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I want what they have
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.