I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I think I’m having a stroke
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
You saw nothing. I am ham.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”