Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
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Godzilla was the first house flipper.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa