[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Natural selection at its finest
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it