Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The days of good grammer has went
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I love it all
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT