Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Squirrels before girls.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Breaking news:
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
the noise i just made