Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Living the best life.. 😊
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*