I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.