If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
You Might Also Like
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
#Caturday
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
The Assassin.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.