My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
You Might Also Like
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u