*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Möther may I have a snäck
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
doing your own taxes
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.