gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
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[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.