Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
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[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
mmm onion ringos
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002