Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Welcome to the stomach
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.