I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
A bold strategy
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
i smell a pulitzer
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.