This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer