MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
choose your fighter
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
accurate
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position