It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
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Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.