Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
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I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.