Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
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Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family