This gonna be me in 2 weeks
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop