[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
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I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
They also CAN sing✌️
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.