A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Sunday
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”