ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
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BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Cats (2019)
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.